THE REASON WHY I AM PROUD

"He is proud." I heard a guy spoke of me.
I smiled when I heard him say that.

I was a little boy with loneliness as his companion. Inferiority complex took a major part of him, he hated himself and believed nothing good can ever come out of him.

During Children's Day Celebration in the church, I always hid and exempted myself from participating in anything. I was too conscious of making mistakes. I tried a few times to take the bull by the horn, but always had a reason not to have tried in the first place. I was mesmerized, beaten to the ground, helpless and forsaken.

I heard many people say I was the ugliest kid of my parent. They told the truth. Maybe, maybe not. The mirror was an evidence. I never like what I saw. A very skinny image of a boy who almost died of sickness. "Lepa" became his second name. His eyes bulged out like they would fall at any moment. People started calling him "oju-olomgbo." meaning cat eyes. He cried and questioned God for given him a different colour of eyeballs. His proprietress always told the other kids during assembly to call his legs "mosquito legs" after being punished with several whips of cane. One of his teeth protruded out of his gum, which made him look like a vampire. He was so fair in complexion that people called him "afin" some say "albino." some even say "ororo." People said the truth, I concluded, I was the ugliest.

Whenever I performed poorly in my exam at school, I would be spoken to like it was all my fault. My parents and aunties would take every of my mistake to be a reason why I didn't do well. And when I requested for extra food during meals, even if I would later be given, I would hear the server which was always either one of my aunties or elder sisters say after sucking me dry with a look of rejection and irritation, "that's the only thing you are good at." Then a long hiss would follow.

Almost everybody had one ill thing to say about me. It gave me sleepless night, and finally made me shrink deep into my shell.

When I took the second position in Primary five, my joy was full. My dad would buy crate of mineral like he always did for my younger sister, who was in the same class with me. I got home and was the first to declare what position I took. I saw expressions that weren't really a smile on their faces, then "you tried" was all that were muttered. I was mad! I did it for them. In fact, I was living just to please people.

My elder brother told me the most demeaning words I have heard people say to me. During a youth convention in my church when I was eighteen. I wrote a spoken word to be said, though I was going to read it from the typed sheet of paper. I opted into writing because that was the only remedy and companion which was always ready to let me wet it with my words filled with burdens. I gave the piece of writing to my elder brother, who asked me what the theme of the program was when he read my topic. I told him. He asked me what was mine, I told him. Then he asked, "What is the correlation? If you don't have something to do on that day, come sit and watch people who have better things to do." He flung the sheet of paper back at me, who was sitting on the floor. Tears beclouded my eyes, I grabbed the dangling sheet of paper in the air and tore it to pieces.

I hated myself for trying yet again. I hated writing, my companion. I slid into hell.

I dropped my pen for more than a year against my wish. Though I tried picking it up to write, but I dropped it again because I didn't want to go through the torment of abuses for lack of my competence.

So many other bitter experiences were what I had to deal with as a boy. And these were the reasons I smiled when I heard that guy's shallow mind speak. He didn't know how hard I prayed and fought to get me to this place.

Well, what I exhibit now isn't pride, it is simply self confidence, reliance and belief. Unlike before, I confide in myself because experiences have taught me a great deal, I rely on my abilities because no one could do any better, and I believe in myself because I am one of a kind. I grew up facing critics and abuses in each step I took. I'm stronger now. Words don't get to me anymore.

Do not let anybody define yourself to you, no one can know you any better than how you know yourself. And if they speak ill of you, forgive them for their blindness and shallow thinking. Oh! Remember, "if nobody talks about you, then you are nobody."- Tuface Idibia

I have grown to be a happy young man with a vision, maybe that's why I'm proud!

Me now

Me before